I DO...

 

As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to matter. Matter economically, spiritually, physically, in every way that one could matter.

I hear I am smart. I have the evidence to show for it too. I therefore think I am smart. So why then does my ‘smarts’ not generate the financial results that it should? So I despise it.

I hear I am eloquent. I have a way with words. I have the evidence also to show for it. I speak and people perk up. They listen, they act. So why am I not convinced by the words that I speak to myself? Why do I doubt my results, and limit myself due to the fears of imposter syndrome? So I disbelieve it.

I hear I am beautiful. Black goddess, ebony queen, captivating eyes. Endless legs and a smile that wins hearts. LOL. I’ve 2 beauty pageant crowns to show for it. But somehow, it is not captivating enough to get ‘him’ to commit. So distrust it.

I remain on this self- sabotaging carousel of insecurity, saying the right things, going through the motions, grateful for the wins, despondent about the losses, crawling back into my shell, unwilling to try again. Afraid.

Until. I rally myself. Bolstered by just enough courage to try again. Almost welcoming the hit that is sure to come. Totally excited, surprised and grateful when it’s a win. Happy that I took the chance, stuck my head out, and did it, afraid.

For isn’t that what courage is? Stepping out to do even with full knowledge of the risks and impending certain failure? Yet persuaded enough by the glimmer of success to try? And for every sweet win, I’ll spread that molasse of sticky sugary goodness, over the hateful ever whispering voice that says “You. Do. Not. Matter.” I’ll pull out every glittering beautiful image, and grateful thank you from lives impacted, undeniable evidence that smiles and says “I.Do.”

 

WHAT (NOT) TO DO WHEN YOU ARE FEELLING LOST AND ALONE

It’s the festive season again and with its ‘ho ho ho’, goodwill and cheer to all men! Isn’t it funny how in the midst of all the rambunctious partying the quiet moments still seem to filter persistently through? That’s if the morning after cymbals and drumset in your head would ease a bit. Perhaps you were not even fortunate to have a party to go to, with friends to hang out with, and as such the silence is twice as loud… where the clock ticking seems to mock you “Alone, again, just you, alone, again” in a never ending rhythm! Arrggggghhhhhh !!! I know, no need to tick tock it to death!
Well if this sounds familiar in anyway, first thing you should know is that there are a lot more people in this boat that you would reckon! Yup! Even the ones with rings on their finger… some of them actually have it worse (sic!) Quickly moving on because this is a no hating zone, (cheeky wink) what do we do to take away the blues? I got a list here that is guarandamnteed to work if you follow it to a T!
1) Do (not) play and listen to all those maudlin love songs. All wrapped up under your duvet, holding your pillow tight, imagining a slow waltz and how beautiful and svelte you look. By all means please indulge in such dreams.
2) Do (not) put on happily ever after cheesy love stories, stuffing your face with ice-cream and cold chicken while sighing on how gorgeous the prince looks. After all the sugar wouldn’t take you on a sugar high, and bring you crashing down even lower. No Jose! Not to mention how your waist will never add an inch!
3) Do (not) say yes to each and every invite in a crazy chase away the blues party carousel. While you are at it too please “bottoms up!” is such a fun thing, the more, the merrier! Let loose, sober is so overrated!
4) Don’t (not) attend family gatherings (unless your family is seriously toxic, and even then you can be grateful that your life isn’t that bitter). These people loved you while you were still in nappies, never caring that you weren’t slaying with your fancy clothes, perfumes, jewellery and beat up face! Please avoid them, who needs them anyway when you’ve got Instagram and snap chat and all them “social” platforms that allow you to “interact” while observing “reality”.
5) My final and best bit - Please do (not) go shopping! Self love! Show them who is boss! Swipe that card like it was made to. Gift yourself every heart desire! After all its love your neighbour as yourself! Surely those ‘things’ will fill the gaping hole created by ‘people’.
Seriously, take the above advice. Best served with a pinch of salt. What to really really do?
Stretch out, feel that health in your bones and muscles, and smile.
Look up, see a ceiling or a sky? Be grateful and smile.
Don’t hide, celebrate life, with all its nuances, and a tear drop still forms and rolls down…celebrate that too, simply because it’s proof that you are gloriously human! Sure being alone sucks, but being alive beats that 10,000 times over. Remember that and rock every minute of it that you've got!

D2AGE

YOU AND ME

YOU AND ME

Lyrical lines

Haltingly flow under my pen

Painting a vision unfolding before my eyes

Is it before? Or of things to come?

Shifting and shaping, events beyond my ken!

Paint I must, with words deliberate

Lest I myself, however unwitting, trigger a spate,

For words flung into the atmosphere

Takes on life and form, morphing each and everywhere

For words were at the start of the existence of

You and me.

Throngs, push and rally, Baba Sai!

Fanatically blinded, to the lack of merit,

Despite the wailing of many, whose one refrain is Baba?! Kai!

Obviously wilted, certificates not legit,

Still he pronounces, I AM THE CHANGE!

On that we all agree, what we debate…

 Is - WHAT KIND OF CHANGE?

The Good Book, says we will be given leaders after our own heart

Is he perhaps a reflection of what our souls are?

Is he just the public face,

Of the secret you, and me?

  

Smoke and light,

The picture fades, then bright!

For with every prophesy

One different action, shifts the sands of time

Another time, another lie

The declaration is made

There is a cracking, rumbling, groaning

Even the earth revolts,

The pervading spirit of the air,

Awakens the monster from its lair

The Beast hitherto sleeping,

Time which stretched seemingly unending,

Has now roused!

Set to ravage everything,

Including you and me.

This monster is in you, and me

Reduced to Neanderthals, we fight

For our dreams, hopes, very existence

We know what the norms are, the expectations

But whatever,

Unthinking, uncaring, with deep feelings

We change our fate

For the prophesy is just vapor

Lacking substance or truth

Without our action!

2019, is you and me.

HOW ABOUT A BONFIRE NIGHT?

I have the nicest friends ever! Really I do! And what is life without great friendships?! Picture this- to my friends (a couple) hearing I declare my longing for a local dish, and my reluctance to cook it for myself. My friend quickly offers for his wife to cook it and share with me. The offer itself was kind enough and I suitably extended my gratitude. Of course good manners wasn’t going to make me remind them to do it, if they ‘conveniently’ forgot. Imagine my surprise therefore when she calls me, saying the food was ready, and she was willing to drive out to get it to me. Disregarding the distance she’d have to drive under pouring rain, just to fulfill a ‘stomach’s’ desire?! I was beyond humbled! I carried that flask reverently filled with awe at such kindness, because honestly I dare say I couldn’t have done that myself!

I figured, if she drove out all the way to get it to me, then I might as well honor her by eating it hot and fresh! So I set the flask on the dining table, fetch a fork, say a blessing, send another heart felt message of thanks to the couple, then inviting all to join me I settle in to begin my meal.

My son over my shoulder, looks at the meal and says, ‘it looks like it’s the dogs’ meal!!’ Honestly, if he was close to me, he’d have ‘felt’ the crack of thunder on the nearest part of his body that I could reach. As he wasn’t, I had to content myself with strongly reprimanding him verbally! Imagine?! How dare you say something like that about a food I was about to eat, especially one that was such a selfless sacrifice of love?!

As quick as the words were leaving my mouth, I felt a wash of shame that lowered my voice, and stilled my appetite. I remembered saying to someone who was about to eat her meal of oats, that I didn’t like to eat oats because it reminded me of catarrh with lumps! And several other thoughtless things I’ve innocently said without thinking. What right had I to chastise my boy, when the apple obviously hadn’t fallen very far from the tree?

I thoughtfully chewed, meditating on the learning that my son had unwittingly reminded me of again  that evening. ‘Remove the log from your eye so that you can better see to remove the speck from another’ (Matthew 7:5), how often had I viewed my attitude as being okay, explaining my actions via my intentions, but judging others solely on their actions and the consequences? Perhaps I remained single because of the log in my eye that didn’t permit me see that the standard I had set for a selection, was actually a bar that I hadn’t surpassed and hence fenced me in?

Well I’m definitely going to be on the lookout for ‘em logs; and if you’re a friend and you spot them, do be a dear and point them out. Or you can come for a log chopping party and help stack up logs for a huge bonfire of hypocritical and limiting habits!

Every day, In Every Way, Be the Best of You!

Golden Lessons, via a Golden Child

D2AGE

THE GOLDEN RULE...

Societal rules have always been confusing to me. How can it, at the same time, be cultured to behave a certain way and wimpy if you do! You’re not following? Okay let me start from the beginning.

“Mom, I want to ask my class teacher for the biscuit she promised me”

‘Erm, that’s not so cool, you have biscuits, why do you need to remind her about this one, what makes it special? Please don’t, if she remembers and gives you then fine, if she doesn’t don’t remind her. It will make you look greedy”

"No mom, it was her birthday and I wasn’t at school that day and she promised to give me mine, I’m not begging, just reminding her to give me what is already mine as she promised! I didn’t ask her, initially, she promised by herself!”

“Please No. DO NOT ASK HER, TELL ME HOW THE BISCUIT IS AND I’D BUY IT FOR YOU! THAT SHOULD BE THAT!”

A pause, then…

“Mom, aren’t you the one always saying to go after what I want? That the world will not hand me anything and I have to get up, speak up and go get what I want?

S – I –L – E –N –C –E

See what I mean?

We’ve been conditioned not to ‘come boldly’ (Hebrews 4:16) because it’s not ‘proper’ by societal standards, and now that we see the limitations and consciously try to overcome it, we ‘do not receive, because we don’t know how to ask!’ (James 4:3) Still bound by what society dictates, ask according to what society defines success and life to be.

Well, I’ve decided; to throw out the societal rule book, and use the one golden rule of all, to guide ALL interactions, behaviour, requests, …everything! The Golden rule? LOL! How about a bit of mystery? It’s quite simple really, if you know you know! (Big Cheeky Grin!)

Golden Girl Living by the Golden Rule

D2AGE

DRAMA KING

Conversation between Mother and Son

Son: ‘Mom what did you mean when you said that you’re giving me a hearty breakfast because I slept without having dinner?’

Mom: ‘What do you think I meant?’

Son: ‘That you’re giving me a really filling meal, so I’d be satisfied since I didn’t have any dinner.’

Mom: ‘So if you know, why are you asking me?’

Son (with a cute smile and wink): ‘Maybe because I just like the sound of my voice!’ and runs out of the kitchen dodging my well-aimed kick to his backside!

I laugh to myself, thinking, ‘Okay, brace up, you’re raising a drama king!’ Then the undertone of the lesson starts to flow gently into my heart.

We live in a time and age, where content generated and shared is applauded and rewarded. So much so that it’s become a career and a money spinner. Everyone is just talking, talking and talking! (Written and spoken words alike). I recently listened to a Member of House of the House of Representative opine his views about women in politics being a bit over the top. His reasoning ‘They already control the home, why should we let them also control the work space!’ Fellow members laughed! I was upset that I had wasted valuable time and data to listen/watch that! As far as I was concerned, he liked the sound of his voice, and thought we should also be pleased with the auditory sensations of his voice!

We are spending so much time talking, and not nearly enough listening. Listening to our hearts, the souls we engage with daily, and the world around us. With so many words, lacking value or even true meaning, how can we hear the unease or discontent that abounds? Or perhaps we hear it, and think more words will eventually drown it out?

Are we perhaps afraid that if we stopped to listen, we would hear our own inefficiencies and self doubt? Courage! For we MUST listen, to ourselves, and seek the value within; to the young ones, and hear the character taking shape; to God, so we can find direction and the purpose of the golden life we speak into being.

Listen, then speak Gold

D2AGE

COLOR MY LOVE

With this season comes the wash of red

A washing of blood viciously bled

Red to depict fiery, burning passionate emotion

Feelings first, no heed to sense or caution.

My love is good, true and Blue

Color it Blue, it speaks to you.

My love is Warm, Dynamic and Orange

So Roiling across the different range

My love is sunny shiny Yellow

Color it happy, it never leaves you hollow

My love is Royal Purple

Fit for no one but MY king.

My love is Rich and Green

Fruitful and Rewarding

Colour My Love

For it is more shades than red.

Golden Love,
D2AGE