I DO...

 

As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to matter. Matter economically, spiritually, physically, in every way that one could matter.

I hear I am smart. I have the evidence to show for it too. I therefore think I am smart. So why then does my ‘smarts’ not generate the financial results that it should? So I despise it.

I hear I am eloquent. I have a way with words. I have the evidence also to show for it. I speak and people perk up. They listen, they act. So why am I not convinced by the words that I speak to myself? Why do I doubt my results, and limit myself due to the fears of imposter syndrome? So I disbelieve it.

I hear I am beautiful. Black goddess, ebony queen, captivating eyes. Endless legs and a smile that wins hearts. LOL. I’ve 2 beauty pageant crowns to show for it. But somehow, it is not captivating enough to get ‘him’ to commit. So distrust it.

I remain on this self- sabotaging carousel of insecurity, saying the right things, going through the motions, grateful for the wins, despondent about the losses, crawling back into my shell, unwilling to try again. Afraid.

Until. I rally myself. Bolstered by just enough courage to try again. Almost welcoming the hit that is sure to come. Totally excited, surprised and grateful when it’s a win. Happy that I took the chance, stuck my head out, and did it, afraid.

For isn’t that what courage is? Stepping out to do even with full knowledge of the risks and impending certain failure? Yet persuaded enough by the glimmer of success to try? And for every sweet win, I’ll spread that molasse of sticky sugary goodness, over the hateful ever whispering voice that says “You. Do. Not. Matter.” I’ll pull out every glittering beautiful image, and grateful thank you from lives impacted, undeniable evidence that smiles and says “I.Do.”