HANG UP YOUR HANG UPS!!!

“God will effect justice! How can he just abdicate responsibility?! Fatherhood isn’t an accidental discharge! It’s a lifelong commitment to supporting and caring for his child!”

“I gave him a child! Made him a father for the first time! Such an invaluable gift! And he sends me peanuts for upkeep! I’ll make him pay!”

…and plenty such statements that show the big chip we carry on our shoulders. It's not reserved for single mom's alone, so please don’t snigger and please get off your high horse, we ALL do have hang-ups! Am just focusing on the single parents because well, that’s what this blog is about!

I chatted with a friend recently, and he gave me a narration of hell endured at the hands of woman, who got pregnant for him, and railroaded him to marry her. Fast forward to today, marriage has packed up, and babe has major hang-ups! “You won’t see your child!” You must pay big bucks child and mom support,” and all such declarations, basically all pointing to the one BIG CHIP OF ALL – YOU OWE ME AND YOU’LL PAY!

I smile when I hear statements that indicate this major hang up. I do not belittle the pain and effort that goes into training a child, much less alone. It’s major! I should and do know! From the financial to the emotional, moral and yes of course Nigerian mom that I am, spiritual! Midnight prayers and fasting on top his cute head! Lol! That being said, however, that effort shouldn’t emanate from a place of bitterness. I get it. He promised you heaven, delivered you hell, not even earth. He just totally abdicated responsibility, when you assumed you had a partner in for the long haul. He does something, but can do more, yet refuses to! He… he… he….! 

Give it a break already! While you’re busy filling your heart with anger, hate, and bitterness, life is going on. Yup! Every minute, of every hour, of everyday. All your griping hasn’t changed the seasons, neither has it changed him, but someone IS changing. YOU! You’re forgetting how to smile. How to be gracious. How to be generous, how to give without an expectation.

You’re giving out of love to that cute baby that’s yours, that looks up to you, has no one but you, and loves you unconditionally! NOT the loafer that left you in the lurch!

Babe, e do. Hang up that Hang up! Do you. If you can still find you underneath all the pent up anger and frustration. Think instead of the gift you’ve been blessed with. For children are exactly that -  A heritage of the Lord, a reward from Him (Psalm 127 vs 3-4)

Allow no Dross, Be Golden…

D2AGE

SACRIFICES

I lie in yet another hotel room, lazily scanning through a book in a bid to relax after the day’s work, my mind half on the text, half on my treasure who yet again has to accept the promise of toys and more chocolates for mummy’s absence. It is truly difficult. Every good bye, every call to touch base to ascertain that he is okay. The debate of if to call three – four times, to tell him how much you miss him, or just call once, and not enhance the pain of the distance. At points like these, I’m not quite sure who needs the reassurance more; Him, that mom loves him, and really doesn’t want to be away; or Me, that he isn’t vexed, and understands why this is the life that we live.

Being a parent isn’t a plate of fried rice. No matter the books you read, and experience you’ve had with younger siblings, it doesn’t quite cut it like having your very own, for which you are responsible. This living, breathing, writhing being, which you have to nurture, crop sometimes, and groom to be an upstanding member of society. The kicker for me though is this - what happens to the yearning, writhing, (truly) living dreams inside you which desire to take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves? I’d truly love an answer.

For every opportunity missed in growing your ‘you’, so ‘He’ can grow, is a little seed of resentment planted? If yes, what fruits will it yield? How do you ‘joyfully’ play on slow mo’ knowing that time is also ticking for you, especially in today’s fast paced technology driven world. It’s a hard trade off that shouldn’t be asked of anyone.

Loving your precious jewel, I believe also requires loving you. Allow yourself growth opportunities, become someone they can boast of, be proud of, look up to. The ideal of that equal split down the middle of work-life balance is a myth; it’s more a zigzag between the two points. That being said, even while taking opportunities, and earning the ‘bread’ that takes care of the ‘stead’, remember it’s all because of the young’uns, who have been entrusted to your care. No sitting on your ass, hoping things will fall in place, being mediocre, under the umbrella excuse of ‘am a single parent…I’ve no one to help.’ Don’t beat yourself up because you’ve to work and there’s no significant other to help support watch the kids, or bring home the bacon, and reduce your need to work. Being a parent is just one of your identities, go out and maximize opportunities; God gave, God watches, God is WILLING AND ABLE TO HELP!

Love Them, Love You.

Be Productive, Be Golden!

D2AGE

BROKEN ANGELS,...AND THEIR JAILERS.

Okay. So it’s the end of the day, and I have a little breathing space, or maybe I've just finally worked up the nerve to write this post. It’s been tugging at me, simmering below the surface, twitching my fingers to put down the words; but my broken heart. My bruised, aching broken heart…I've decided however that I’ll brave it, for these words have to be said, maybe in saying, enlightenment and healing will come for someone who happens on it; maybe that person would be me.

These past few weeks the media has been awash with cases of domestic abuse, and though the slant has been on physical abuse, there have been one or two accounts of other kinds as well. Reading through all that text, talking with the females around me, has caused my heart to break, to ache; for all the broken women braving it with a smile, because society tells them to. Because they have nowhere to go. Because they don’t know any better.

These men. These men who do these things. Who were they as little boys? Did they change as they grew into men? Was it always in them, but no one just noticed? Did they suffer a mental re-orientation that informed these ideals that were otherwise strange to them? That it is okay to enjoy the hurt they consciously and knowingly cause another? For they surely must enjoy it. For abuse isn't the one off action, but the repeated acts of wrong doing. And if it’s repeated, surely they must be sadistic?

My mind wonders, as I gaze on my sweet boy’s peaceful sleeping face. What kind of man am I grooming him to be? When I spank him for being naughty, and then draw him close, because I hurt for causing him hurt, no matter how deserving; am I inadvertently grooming a man who thinks that you hit the one you love, and then draw them close to explain why he hit her? When I ignore him, when he has upset me, in order to communicate my hurt, am I otherwise showing him how to be emotionally withdrawn, starving his love of attention? When I raise my voice, in anger, aware that the loud boom of my voice, strikes fear in his heart; am I showing him that authority lies in a raised voice? And instead of speaking respectfully and lovingly to her, will he instead shout her down like a serf? Tell me boy, who will you be?

Society doesn't help either. Society says as a strong woman, you must not only digest, but must enjoy digesting a steady diet of bullshit. Excuse my French. How do you explain all the negative comments that came at Tiwa Savage when she opened up about her pain? From fellow women no less! You've just disgraced your son’s father. Hello?! He did that already all by himself! Every woman is going through the same thing so shut up and stick a smile on your face. Erm… well that’s them. I applaud them, but I haven’t got, neither do I desire to have that forbearance. I’d rather my children have a father. Okay. As long as you realize that means they might not have a mother! It might be murder, from physical abuse, it might be suicide, from induced depression, or you might just LOSE YOURSELF. Becoming this insecure, cowering thing, or a twisted, bitter shadow of that beautiful girl with the bright eyes, from all the constant lies, disrespect, and put downs. In my book, all the above options are akin to death. Abuse brought on death.

I got out. I make no apologies. I make no excuse. I CHOSE. I got out. For every woman going through ANY form of abuse. It’s your life. Choose how it will be lived. Tolerate it, and smile; or choose out. Just make sure that it’s YOUR CHOICE. Don’t be coerced, manipulated, blackmailed, advised (sic), and/or threatened into doing anything against your better judgement/ intuition. CHOOSE wisely. For mothers, teach our sons’ to treasure, to love, to cherish, to respect, to nurture. Teach our daughter’s to value themselves, to demand recognition of the value. Or to walk.

I don’t advocate for broken homes, or careless single lives. I advocate happiness. In pairs, or alone.

Choose to be happy.

CHOOSE TO BE GOLDEN.

D2AGE.

CELEBRATING WOMANHOOD!

So this week has been about the woman. Her essence, her strengths, her weaknesses, and opportunities. We celebrate, because there’s usually so much to cry about…

I was feeling especially weepy this day; having indulged in a brief fling (that I hoped…*dramatic eyeroll*) that had just abruptly ended. Strong woman that I am (have to be), I got up that morning, took my time, with my brushes and paint pots, and hoped the bright smile I also painted on, wasn’t as brittle as I felt.

I stepped into the office, and my girls… God bless them girls. Compliments and hugs accompanied their morning greeting. “Gosh Girl! You look awesome!” and they crowded in for a chat. With some sixth sense they seemed to know just what my heart needed. Some girly giggle about cute nonsense, some reaffirmation of my beautiful essence, and loads and loads of love.

I constantly hear, about how women, tear each other down and apart, but I also know that no woman can go very far without girlfriends. Women, we understand ourselves, our challenges and idiosyncrasies. We understand that sometimes a rant, just means we need to let a little steam off, get some attention and feel loved. We understand that a tantrum is simply a girly test to see if we’ve got relevance. And we know the deep screams of pain, and hurt that our silence hides.

So today I celebrate my Golden Girls. My Sisters, and Girlfriends. Strong, Beautiful Women who have got me through trying times, cried with me, put up with me, drank with me, and Conquered with me. “…a woman shall encompass a man – Jeremiah 31:22”

To my Golden Girls – We rule our world.

D2AGE.

THE NEW FAMILY

My, people forgive me. I’ve been AWOL so long, I started questioning if I really even had a blog, or it was a figment of my imagination?! So please permit me to say belatedly, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! So many other blogs committed to the New Year resolutions, being a better you and all that, so what say you, we just skip all that and get right into the gist? The way I reckon it, you’re going to do what you’re going to do anyways. One more motivational speech from me just might not do anything else! LOL!

So … last evening, am enjoying dinner, and its conversation with my 6 going on 7 all the way to 70 year old son. Honestly sometimes I wish I could go Dr. Hyde on him, and literally investigate his grey matter. The boy is a hoot! This evening, he is telling me about school, and then suddenly bursts out. He’s never getting married. He’s just going to save the world and then be by himself (My son is determined to be a Hero). I ask him, “Won’t you be lonely?” He goes “You’re not”. “That’s because I’ve got you to chat with, and chill with.” I respond. The conversation continues with me doing that thing that mothers do best. You know, the one where we speak intelligently, while our minds are actively working over some other thought process.

The social strata of the family unit has greatly changed; either by choice, chance or unforeseen circumstances. Increasingly, there are more kids like mine, who come from homes like ours. Does society and especially its educational system, adapt to reflect this change? For example in social studies, at school, how is he taught to relate his reality to the definition of a family?

I remember my baby sister as a child bringing home an exam script, with a near perfect score. The question had asked “Who takes care of the home?”  Her response of “Sister” which was quite correct in her case, cost her the perfect score. Having lost our mom, while she was still a baby, she had only grown up to know her sisters as the home and care givers.

I slowly chew my dinner, listen to my son’s chatter, as I process the thought – “Are schools and their curriculums going to train our children by rote, or are they going to train them FOR LIFE?” Are schools going to make liars of parents, who portray a different reality than the laid down rules of life etiquette? Are children going to grow up defensive to a world who makes them believe their understanding about what life is, is wrong?

Well I can’t speak for society or the school system. I can only do my best to support my son be the Hero he will be, inspite of any differences.

One more day, in the life of a strong, black mother!

 Be a Hero in your Sphere, Be Golden.

D2AGE.