THE BEST OF YOU...

This post is a sequel to the earlier post of Dating Etiquette for Single Moms. So I guess I should call it part 2. I am afterall a Nigerian! Lol!

So my friends and family, asked me. " Two things Blessing, thanks for the encouragement, but please tell us what could be considered 'The Best of You"? I was just going to quip "Discover you, then give the best version! It says so in the second to last paragraph of the post!" But quick as a flash the thought came to me. "You could help in the discovery by pointing them in the right direction". So instead I smiled and answered, "Stay tuned for the next post!". So here goes...anything!

1) Intelligence: Make an effort to educate yourself. Read Widely!!!! I can't emphasize this enough! I know some people get hung up about reading motivational books, how to books, biographies of great leaders et al. We all favour one genre or the other. But please make an effort to diversify once in every while. Don't just follow the story. Learn the meaning, use and play of words. Look up the references to cities and cultures. Try to recreate the exotic sounding meals described. There's the internet folks, USE IT!!! Question otherwise held truths. Discover the world daily. Understand what it means in relation to your sphere of influence. Then REHEARSE! It should all flow together naturally, not like you're some puppet president reading from a screen prompter!

2) Be Smart and Savvy- Am referring to your "street cred" now. Swag, Confidence, Odeshi, however you can relate. This really stems from one major intelligence that complements the popular Intelligence Quotient (IQ). Oyinbo calls it Emotional Intelligence. Understand body language beginning with yours. understand your emotional responses to situations in and around you, build confidence and then act accordingly. Shrinking Violet behaviour is out, and ain't ever coming back, trust me.

3) Find Humour: It really is the 5D glasses through which life should be seen. Hold on what am I talking (writing) about? We shouldn't "see" (observe) life?! We should LIVE it! Okay so back track...It really is the Happy Bubble in which life should be Lived (experienced). Learn to laugh at yourself, and situations around you. Don't be mean in humour. Don't mock. Not even yourself. That brings down your confidence. What I mean is be sunflower happy, and joyful, as much as possible. Let your tinkling, rumbling, cackling, giggly, guffaw sound frequently out to the heavens. No one likes a sour puss. Not even you!

4) Dream: Dream big, small, tall, bright... just DREAM! It lends to mystery. That you can go into your mind and create scenarios that makes you smile and make people ask: "What makes you tick?" Beyond dreaming ACT. What's the use in living in fantasy land, if it cant merge with reality? Live in fantasy long enough and Yaba, Lagos skyline from your tiny barred window, might be your reality! Lol! But seriously. Dreams are not cheap. They require time, and we all know that time is cheddar (money)! Create positive energetic scenarios that makes you move to accomplish. You might call it the Power of Positivism. Enough has been said on that so I wont go DIA (there)! Use google and do your research!!!

In the beginning, I said I was asked two things. I've written on 1 thing (Read the book "The One Thing" by Gary Keller with Jay Papasan).  The second thing... Stay tuned for the next post. I'll give you a hint - What kind of guys you should be dating...

And as we wait for the Nigerian Presidential Elections to be announced, BE THE BEST CITIZEN/PATRIOT YOU CAN BE! SAY NO TO POST ELECTION VIOLENCE!!!

Life is a race, Be the Best, Be Golden.

D2AGE.

Photo Credit: en.wikipedia.org

DATING ETIQUETTE FOR THE SINGLE MOM

Dating etiquette for the single mom.
A few rules and norms to adhere to in the dating game
1) Appearance: Don't be sexy. Leave that for the

21 year old who doesn't have "baggage". Its probably the "sexiness" that got you knocked up outside marriage. You want to show other qualities like stability and home making skills. But don't be too stuffy in a boxy suit, your competition has boobs, legs, heck the whole thing out on display. And let's face it men are visual beings. Eye Roll*

2) Attitude: Please  don't request respect overtly or covertly. You should be looking to "earn" it given your "status". Pocket all that strong woman thing who knows her worth. You, instead are docile ready to serve him as your king. He is afterall out on a date with you in spite of the teeming fresh fishes in the vast ocean.

3) Conversation: this 1 is a mine field. Don't sound intelligent. It intimidates men. Don't talk about the ex. Anyway you present the case even if he died, you look suspect; desperate to garner sympathy. No simpering or baby talk, it's supposed to make you seem delicate and soft, it just makes you look confused. Don't talk about your job. If you're successful it's a green alert for loan requests, if not, its a red alert that you need them to cater to you!

4) Intimacy : what do you presume to be hoarding when you balk on getting intimate? They need to be sure that it's still in good working condition after being to the labour room and back! So....give it up! Not eagerly. You have your "status" to remember. No need reinforcing the idea of that's how you got there in the first place. Not grudgingly either. Remember they are doing "you" a favor. You've got to give them something to make them "choose" you above and in spite of others.

PHEW!!! A whole load of hogwash that some of my sisters unfortunately follow! Well here's my REAL take on it!

DATING ETIQUETTE FOR SINGLE MOM'S:
BE THE BEST OF YOU!!!! You should TRY to be YOUR best EVERYDAY AND EVERYWHERE. Not someone else' s idea of what YOU should be. You've really got no business trying to manipulate a situation. Don't you fear God?! What will be, will be.

And if you're not sure what/who YOU are? Then you have NO BUSINESS DATING!!! take the time to learn about you. It's a journey that's more rewarding when gone solo.

Don't pander to society, it's as fickle as a chickens attention span.

You're worth it, so Be Golden
D2AGE.

WOMAN! BE WOMAN!!!

If we were to play a game where we asked people to say the first thing that came to their minds at the word "Woman", I'm sure we would hear some pretty interesting adjectives. Let me attempt to supply some:
Beautiful, Evil, Soft, Strong, Nurturing, Temptress, Helper, Leech, Multi-talented, Intelligent, Powerful, Emotional...

I honestly think we are all these, and then some. These days however, we place more emphasis on the "Strong " bit. One keeps hearing phrases like " Strong Woman, Strong Independent Sister, Strong and real..." Reminds me of when I was in labour. I smile at the memory now, but Kai! It wasn't funny! I had that "Strong Black African Woman" thing firmly fixed in my head, and was determined to push that baby out with no chemical aid. I was going to give those white nurses something to talk about over tea. Then the pain hit! Ehn?! See me calling to be gassed with laughing gas, injected, massaged, walking the room half naked and half mad with pain that didn't want to stop for over twelve hours! "Strong" woman out the window, Just "Woman" VERY present. Lol!

Hey but seriously, what's wrong with being Womanly? Soft and sweet like gummy bears? Yeah, you'd get licked some, so? What's wrong with being all Delilah with the wiles sometimes? That kind of power is heady sometimes, confess! What's wrong with a bit of Marilyn Monroe sexy? Those curves have got to count for something, right?! What's wrong in being emotional? God created us so, He must've known that man's existence needed that kinda juice sometimes!

Sometimes we get so strung out trying to be strong when what we really need to be is Woman, the soft, sweet, sexy part . If you're going to always be strong, and independent, and angular; where does the man fit in, assuming you want one that is? You're complementing not competing; and I haven't ever seen a complement being exactly the same shape and substance as the base product.
A little bit of sugar never hurt anyone,if anything, it is a requirement! So for all my strong sisters, pulling their own, and strongly swinging both Mom and Dad roles, take a break and BE WOMAN!

Be Sweet, Be Soft, Be Sexy, Be Golden!
D2AGE

Photocredit: Snappypixels.com

THE BEST AND THE WORST

Here's a little extra for the weekend, just because...

BEST MOMENTS: Perhaps I should add in recent memory, cos everyday comes with its quirks and twists
1) Every night when he cuddles up to sleep, "...because your soft tummy is the best!"
2) A lovely curvy picture of an actress on Instagram gets a "Mummy this is you!" (Am no where near, but thanks very prettily!)
3) When unprompted he gives a hug and says "I love you Mummy" with a big smacking kiss!
4) Movie Time!!!!
5)When he tries to hide his result because he didn't come First! (Lol! Silly Boy! Maybe cos Silly Mama pushes a teeney weeney bit too hard!)

WORST MOMENTS:
1) When I have to be the bad cop (Yeah yeah I know... "spare the rod...but its really hard!"
2) Every time I have to say goodbye to go on a trip
3) "Mum don't be sick, you know you're the only one we've got." (Literally broke my heart, and made me well by fire!)
4) "I HATE THIS HOUSE!!!" (Ah! Bobo mi has got a temper!)
5) When I sweat and help him make his arts and craft card, and he writes "I Love You, Daddy."

Best or Worse, It's all worth it, because he's an absolute treasure!

I love him, He is Golden.
D2AGE.

Photo Credit: Everydayfamily.com

IT IS WELL...

One of the major fears (myself included) for a single parent, be it by choice or chance, is the probability of psychological trauma your child might face, or get scarred by. Taunts at school, by friends, careless talk by careless adults. The lack of the perceived idea of a 'normal' home, you know, the classic Father, Mother, Child(ren) rosy picture of a family. One wonders, especially when you observe development in social behaviour of humans all over the world over time, if they'd turn out alright. For example, I have a son, will watching me make up, and helping me choose my outfits affect his sexuality? Does the girl who grows without a father, become an attention junkie? Will they become clingy, or distant? Dissatisfied with their lot in life?

Psychology is not an area that is much examined in most Black African countries. Actions were 'treated', root cause mostly ignored. If you are naughty, you get spanked, and if you were good you got...well from a pat on the head to a trip to the park. Most parents never stopped to consider 'why'. They asked, "What were you thinking?" Without really expecting any answer. The question was more to underscore just how stupid you had just been. In recent times however, most youths are finding it easier to express themselves, explore their thoughts and feelings. A colleague very recently, commended my blog, and said, why don't you put more of your feelings down? I literally shuddered! My, feelings? on display? Nah! That's being weak! Almost immediately I laughed at myself, remembering my reaction to a recent article by Chiamanda Adichie's article on her challenge with depression. She had described a visit to the doctor, who tried to convince her that depression was a disease like any other that needed proper care and attention, and her scorning the advice. I had encouraged her in my mind to go get help! "Com'on Chi!" I thought to myself, "You know better, after having lived abroad and all that!" Yet, here I was shuddering at the thought of airing my feelings. Did this attitude develop with age, and if so, when?

Being extra sensitive to a child's fragile psyche is important, especially if there's a blip in the perfect rosy picture of the 'family' that is your reality. As a single parent, You shouldn't attempt to replicate the picture, because it simply isn't the same! However, there is an upside to this scenario in which you are. Instead of being afraid to scar the child, be eager to explore other facets that can encourage them. 
1) Be their buddy! Talk with them, not at them! It strengthens the bond which transcends childhood. 
2) Get them involved! Let them see how hard it is sometimes. It increases their sense of responsibility.
3) Love. Not by stifling them, but by letting them bloom, under careful nurturing. 
4) Stand. After you have done all, Just Stand. Let them know they can depend on you. 
In the common Nigerian parlance - It is Well...

Be the Life, Be Golden.
D2AGE.


Photo Credit: monitor.co.ug

#BABYMAMAFAD

From Wikipedia:

Originally, the term was used by the fathers of illegitimate children to describe the mothers of their children, but the term is now in general use to describe any single mother. Since entering currency in U.S. tabloids, the terms baby mama and baby daddy have even begun to be applied to married and engaged celebrities.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines baby mama as "the mother of a man's child, who is not his wife or (in most cases) his current or exclusive partner".

Peter L. Patrick, a linguistics professor who studies Jamaican English, has said of the terms baby mother and baby father, "[they] definitely imply there is not a marriage—not even a common-law marriage, but rather that the child is an 'outside' child".

From Urban Dictionary:

The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.

And the example used:

Oh her? She ain't nothing to me now, girl, she just my baby mama. So, can I get your number?

Its also interesting to note that right underneath this, they had 20 words related to baby mama, and the 4th word was SLUT. (after baby daddy, baby, mama). 

From Wikipedia:

A single parent, sometimes called a solo parent, is a parent, not living with a spouse or partner, who has most of the day-to-day responsibilities in raising the child or children. A single parent is usually considered the primary caregiver, meaning the parent the children have residency with the majority of the time.

Its funny how two descriptions can mean similar things but connote two different things.

Single Mom : Meaning: A woman with child(ren) and no partner, either by choice or chance. 

Connotation: Somebody's Mother. Somewhat respectful. 

Baby Mama: Meaning: See above. 

Connotation: gum smacking, allowance demanding, drama prone, pole dancing, fame seeking, slut.

This Baby Mama fad, that sees young ladies agreeing to bear that tag, irks me. maybe because it might somehow rub its tainted connotation on other 'legitimate' single moms; or maybe because it diminishes the phenomenal strength (emotional, financial, spiritual, physical) that single mothers have to have, to go through the process of parenting. ALONE. Where did the idea come from that parenting is a breeze? Something you can casually opt into? A 'fashionable' term that could promote one's fame rating?

Please friends, female and male. Pause and reconsider before you take that leap so casually, like there's nothing to it. Listen to a (semi) old hand talk(write), Please consider the 1st 3 months of morning sickness, the swollen nose, belly, feet, swollen everything! The nine months of continuous discomfort. The pushing or cutting out of that precious baby. Drama? Ah, you ain't seen nufin! inoculation fevers, flu, colicky non-stop, all night crying, teething diarrhoea, bills, Bills, BILLS!!! Most importantly, please think of that life, you casually are taking a decision on creating.

Please practise safe sex, so you don't have to make that decision of Kill or Keep. Please love her enough to wait till you marry her, before giving your children the tag of 'outside' child. Please wait till you're mature enough (not talking about age here) before you decide you want to play 'dolly' with a real person. This ain't no reality TV fun and games, its every day, real life drama.

Consider Life, It's Golden.

D2AGE

GARDEN OF EDEN

Back from the gym this morning, I decide to catch my breath with the Daily Times, India, and I see a feature story where a woman kills her 3 daughters, ages 5 years, 2 years and 9 months old; attempts suicide also. Reason? Her husband yapped her for not having sons?! Like seriously?! What words did he use to bring her so low, that murder/suicide was the answer? What kind of emotional (physical) abuse had she endured, to make her feel the world was better off without the three cute angels she brought into it?

Please don't get me wrong, this isn't a bash evil men, mad idiotic woman post (but she must've been a bit off, surely?). It rather is a "What is the world coming to?" post that I hope will somehow, in some little way, give cause for us to TRY to be better. Someone once told me that the actions we take are like little seeds in the ground. Fill the earth with negativity and so shall you reap, and vice versa.

I truly believe it hinges on us women folk. For much as I celebrate being a woman, inseparably tied in with that is being a MOM! What world do I want to leave for my much treasured son? From the cartoons on TV (Vampire Chicken?! whats that?!) to the games on the different platforms (Shoot, kill crush!) to everything?! What mentalities are we shaping? What attitudes are we promoting? What habits (which become cultures when practised en-masse) are we growing?

My mind is filled with heavy questions. Sad wondering, and anxiety over what the future holds for this hapless young' uns who like sponges absorb what we let out because that's what they do! LEARN! Doubly scary is this phenomena for the Unmarried Mom. Who watches to ensure that the treasure is imbibing the right things? Sometimes because you desperately need to rest (we are human afterall), the TV becomes The Nanny, The Reward, The Bribe... but what are they watching? Who patiently shows them by words and deeds, the right path to follow, before they decide to chart theirs. What games are on that console you got? What values do they learn from them?

Too many questions and too few answers... but I guess its one day at a time, deliberate effort to ensure that my seeds are positive. Perhaps if more women joined in, we can have Earth a little closer the Garden of Eden in our dreams.

We will try, wont we?

PRESERVE LIFE, BECAUSE IT'S GOLDEN!!!

Photo credit: featurepics.com; gettyimages.com

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY

I came across a new word today while browsing the newspaper. "Mompreneur". Referring to women who marry domestic duties with enterprises. In Nigeria, this describes most women. We really are strong folk, girls. Especially in the case of the Unmarried Mom, mehn the hussle is real. Just as this bill is paid, another rears its head. However, sometimes we push ourselves not because we NEED to but because we FEEL we have to. Now before you quirk that eyebrow at me, lemme explain, and if your're not guilty... well its my blog (Tongue in cheek!)

Monday morning: Alarm goes, hurried set of crunches, hurried prayers, rush to the kitchen, get water and lunch pack started. wake him up, hurry, hurry, hurry, raised voice... "comon eat the breakfast you've been given!"... hurried kiss goodbye at the school gate, drive off, 'I'll buy a treat to make up', you think to yourself. Evening falls, You barely make it home to kiss his sleepy head goodnight. bone tired yourself you think, "awww its early in the week, enough time to do better tomorrow."

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday follows the same pattern, except now the scolding is becoming cajoling and bribery. Friday comes along, but you despair because... "Mom do you have a meeting this weekend?" and the answer is most likely going to be "Yes honey but I promise I'll be back early"; "I haven't touched base with the family/friends in a while, should try this weekend"; "Ah, am a Mom but still single o! Lemme try and get a life, so movie with the girls? or accept a date from that 'toaster'?; "Gosh am spent, I need a lie in!" but 50 shades of curiosity wrapped up in one little sweet heart won't let the winks get to 10 much less 40!

So your shoulders slump. Not so much from the hectic schedule, but from the guilt that drives you, to achieve more, so you can get them more. That big ol' chip on the shoulder that's got something to prove - "Look at me, am all this! Yeah, am a mom and unmarried, but HEY! I'm gbo gbo big girl! That should count eh?"

So dear readers, if I hit a nerve amongst any of you, its alright. Its alright to take a chill pill now and again, and enjoy that smile you're working so hard to buy. Its alright if they don't wear the latest designer outfits kids their age are wearing. Seriously, they don't care. Neither should you. Its alright to miss that working trip, that will pay a little bit extra, because you're holidaying with your treasure(s). Its alright to slow down a bit, so they can catch up, and love you. That's all they just want to do. And that's all you are meant to do. 

LOVE THEM.

For the workaholics like me, I know I just took your crack, so here's a little feel good. Work when they sleep, YOU can sleep when YOUR'E DEAD! LOL!

Live life 'cos THEY'RE golden!!!

How come you're a mom and you're not Married?!

"How come you're a Mom and You're not Married?" asked my soon to be six year old boy. Was I gob-smacked? I mean I knew this question will come, but I just didn't expect it -
1) At this age (What's in the vitamins we give our kids these days?)
2) Phrased like that (How did he know I was prepared for the "Mom, where's my Dad" or "Why are we not living with Dad?" type question)

I start this blog, hoping to understand and reach out to like minds like me who feel similarly confused, afraid, worried, joyous, confident, insecure (in equal parts) and every other adjective that describes what raising a child on your own entails. Roller Coaster? Def' Yeah!

So back to this 5+ year old, who is looking at me, expecting an answer. My African roots with its quick rebuttals first surface "Keep quiet! Don't you know how to respect your elders!" But I look at his dark eyes staring up at me, and I can't utter the words. He needs an answer, its not his fault, and he'd like to know. 
"Oh God help me". My lips move in silent prayer, as I launch into as truthful an explanation as I can give. Hoping that I don't open myself for more (awkward) questions...that he'd love me still.

Going through sites, blogs and other material (Gosh! What an information age we live in!), I find a recurring theme. Single Mom's 'enjoy' a status quo. "Your morals must be loose; The child must surely be suffering; You're desperate for 'saving'"... I actually had someone tell me, "You're not that stupid" "Why didn't you have an abortion?" "Did you hope to 'trap' him?" 
So this is my own 2 cents to every Mom, and unMarried sister- keep the old head up! you're doing a good job- don't let anyone tell you different! you're beautiful, smart and strong! -You had enough sense not to kill/dump/abandon the miracle who calls you Mom!; And seriously, in a world of labels, what's one more label which defines you as a confirmed woman with working internal parts, responsible, loving, nurturing and hard working?! 

Keep living the Life 'cos its Golden!!!
D2AGE